Top Twelve Reasons Why You’ll Never Be a Writer
- You are, currently, wearing pants. (See Sean Ferrell and Jeffrey Somers — or Janet Reid’s post on the subject.)
- You regularly eat balanced meals; they do not include bacon or chocolate as a food group.
- You are not in the habit of mainlining either COFFEE or TEA.
- You think books belong on bookshelves, and you do not have them stashed EVERYWHERE.
- You say things like, “I’ll write a book someday” or “I started a novel, but then I couldn’t find the time to finish it.” (Inspiration for this one comes from Chuck Wendig.)
- You have never had entire conversations about the merits of gin, tequila, and scotch. Also, you’ve never had scotch.
- You believe that inspiration arrives at the whim of a Muse. If there WAS such a thing as a Muse, she’d bitch slap you for that.
- You think editing is for chumps and spit out word-vomit, without ever reading it over. But it’s cool, because your mom LOVES it. (PS. She’s LYING to you.)
- You have never done an ounce of research. Not even via Google or *gasp* Wikipedia. Additionally, you think research is for morons with no imagination. The Muse will bitch slap you for that, too.
- You have no idea who Neil Gaiman is. Stop. Just stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go read Twilight. That’s what you deserve. *hugs Neverwhere*
- You’ve never had one of the following:
- Streaked hair
- A hangover so bad you started speaking in tongues
- A tattoo
- A conversation about the finer points of baking, chocolate, and/or the best way to get rid of a body
12. Lastly, you haven’t written a really, bad thinly veiled story about an ex – in which he/she was eviscerated by rabid wolverines OR honey badgers. Because, my friends, honey badgers don’t give a shit.
Categories: Humor, Random Musings
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alwayscoffee 
This is a good list. And it would appear I am a writer, after all. 🙂
Of course you are, damn it! *Grin*
Thankfully, the Muse has never bitch slapped me, although she enjoys waking me in the middle of the night or pointing out that I can’t write and drive simultaneously. *trips over stack of books in middle of living room floor*
Nor can I walk, type on my phone, and sip scotch simultaneously, it would seem. I love this list!
Adrienne, walking is overrated! Er, wait…*grin* Glad that you liked this!
What if you have tried scotch — at length, even — and have established that your GI tract can’t handle it?
(Also: food groups? Only if the point is to die of a coronary while you’re still famous.)
It would seem, sir, that your body is plotting against you! *grin* As for the food groups, remember — the longer you live, the longer you collect royalties. 😉
I read this while eating “lunch” which consisted of two chocolate chip cookies and a very large mug of tea. There was a book open on my knee, and another covered with post it note notes on the desk beside me.
That just makes you AWESOME. *grin* I carry a book everywhere, which means I never have a tiny purse. 🙂
Royalties? In the tech market? Oh, that’s rich… as is the notion that I’m somehow supposed to write 150,000+ words without an advance. But I will manage. Somehow.
P.S. There are few perfect sentences, but the close of your previous post was one of them.
Thank you for the compliment! It totally reminded me of a line from the Princess Bride. WIN! 🙂
To which I should add: the one title I have out garnered a $10K advance and it earned out, which makes me one of the lucky ones. I give most of the credit to the marketing people, because I cringe when I look at the copy now. Every single one of those three Amazon stars is well-earned.
Hah, awesome.
Glad that you liked, Liz! 🙂 I’m so glad you’re able to read here, again.
LOVE IT! All true, too. I think someone’s done their research.
Thanks, Gayle! 🙂
delightful!
Thank you, Ana!!! ❤
Thank God none of these things apply to me. There’s hope for me yet! *grin*
Always!
Save a few line items (getting around to my tattoo, I’m indecisive with permanency) it would seem I’m a writer as well, thanks for the clarification Ali.
Punishment by reading Twilight…lmao.
Dave
Writing Trip
Dave, they were options! I don’t have a tattoo either, though I do want one. 🙂 thanks for reading and commenting!
Oooh, piles and piles of books, in the middle of a room, next to the bed, under the bed, in the wardrobe, tones of teas [weirdest kinds found in the stores] and chocolate for the win.
Roxana, that sounds absolutely lovely!! Chocolate is most certainly, always, a win. 🙂