Top Twelve Reasons Why You’ll Never Be a Writer
- You are, currently, wearing pants. (See Sean Ferrell and Jeffrey Somers — or Janet Reid’s post on the subject.)
- You regularly eat balanced meals; they do not include bacon or chocolate as a food group.
- You are not in the habit of mainlining either COFFEE or TEA.
- You think books belong on bookshelves, and you do not have them stashed EVERYWHERE.
- You say things like, “I’ll write a book someday” or “I started a novel, but then I couldn’t find the time to finish it.” (Inspiration for this one comes from Chuck Wendig.)
- You have never had entire conversations about the merits of gin, tequila, and scotch. Also, you’ve never had scotch.
- You believe that inspiration arrives at the whim of a Muse. If there WAS such a thing as a Muse, she’d bitch slap you for that.
- You think editing is for chumps and spit out word-vomit, without ever reading it over. But it’s cool, because your mom LOVES it. (PS. She’s LYING to you.)
- You have never done an ounce of research. Not even via Google or *gasp* Wikipedia. Additionally, you think research is for morons with no imagination. The Muse will bitch slap you for that, too.
- You have no idea who Neil Gaiman is. Stop. Just stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go read Twilight. That’s what you deserve. *hugs Neverwhere*
- You’ve never had one of the following:
- Streaked hair
- A hangover so bad you started speaking in tongues
- A tattoo
- A conversation about the finer points of baking, chocolate, and/or the best way to get rid of a body
12. Lastly, you haven’t written a really, bad thinly veiled story about an ex – in which he/she was eviscerated by rabid wolverines OR honey badgers. Because, my friends, honey badgers don’t give a shit.