Home > Humor, Random Musings > Top Twelve Reasons Why You’ll Never Be a Writer

Top Twelve Reasons Why You’ll Never Be a Writer

  1. You are, currently, wearing pants. (See Sean Ferrell and Jeffrey Somers — or Janet Reid’s post on the subject.)
  2. You regularly eat balanced meals; they do not include bacon or chocolate as a food group.
  3. You are not in the habit of mainlining either COFFEE or TEA.
  4. You think books belong on bookshelves, and you do not have them stashed EVERYWHERE.
  5. You say things like, “I’ll write a book someday” or “I started a novel, but then I couldn’t find the time to finish it.” (Inspiration for this one comes from Chuck Wendig.)
  6. You have never had entire conversations about the merits of gin, tequila, and scotch. Also, you’ve never had scotch.
  7. You believe that inspiration arrives at the whim of a Muse. If there WAS such a thing as a Muse, she’d bitch slap you for that.
  8. You think editing is for chumps and spit out word-vomit, without ever reading it over. But it’s cool, because your mom LOVES it. (PS. She’s LYING to you.)
  9. You have never done an ounce of research. Not even via Google or *gasp* Wikipedia. Additionally, you think research is for morons with no imagination. The Muse will bitch slap you for that, too.
  10. You have no idea who Neil Gaiman is. Stop. Just stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go read Twilight. That’s what you deserve. *hugs Neverwhere*
  11. You’ve never had one of the following:
    1. Streaked hair
    2. A hangover so bad you started speaking in tongues
    3. A tattoo
    4. A conversation about the finer points of baking, chocolate, and/or the best way to get rid of a body

    12. Lastly, you haven’t written a really, bad thinly veiled story about an ex – in which he/she was eviscerated by rabid wolverines OR honey badgers. Because, my friends, honey badgers don’t give a shit.

Categories: Humor, Random Musings
  1. February 15, 2012 at 11:34 am

    This is a good list. And it would appear I am a writer, after all. 🙂

    • February 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm

      Of course you are, damn it! *Grin*

  2. February 15, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Thankfully, the Muse has never bitch slapped me, although she enjoys waking me in the middle of the night or pointing out that I can’t write and drive simultaneously. *trips over stack of books in middle of living room floor*

    • February 15, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      Nor can I walk, type on my phone, and sip scotch simultaneously, it would seem. I love this list!

      • February 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm

        Adrienne, walking is overrated! Er, wait…*grin* Glad that you liked this!

  3. February 15, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    What if you have tried scotch — at length, even — and have established that your GI tract can’t handle it?

    (Also: food groups? Only if the point is to die of a coronary while you’re still famous.)

    • February 15, 2012 at 1:20 pm

      It would seem, sir, that your body is plotting against you! *grin* As for the food groups, remember — the longer you live, the longer you collect royalties. 😉

  4. February 15, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I read this while eating “lunch” which consisted of two chocolate chip cookies and a very large mug of tea. There was a book open on my knee, and another covered with post it note notes on the desk beside me.

    • February 15, 2012 at 6:41 pm

      That just makes you AWESOME. *grin* I carry a book everywhere, which means I never have a tiny purse. 🙂

  5. February 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Royalties? In the tech market? Oh, that’s rich… as is the notion that I’m somehow supposed to write 150,000+ words without an advance. But I will manage. Somehow.

    P.S. There are few perfect sentences, but the close of your previous post was one of them.

    • February 15, 2012 at 2:00 pm

      Thank you for the compliment! It totally reminded me of a line from the Princess Bride. WIN! 🙂

  6. February 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    To which I should add: the one title I have out garnered a $10K advance and it earned out, which makes me one of the lucky ones. I give most of the credit to the marketing people, because I cringe when I look at the copy now. Every single one of those three Amazon stars is well-earned.

  7. Liz
    February 15, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Hah, awesome.

    • February 15, 2012 at 6:40 pm

      Glad that you liked, Liz! 🙂 I’m so glad you’re able to read here, again.

  8. February 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    LOVE IT! All true, too. I think someone’s done their research.

  9. February 17, 2012 at 8:25 am


  10. February 17, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Thank God none of these things apply to me. There’s hope for me yet! *grin*

  11. Dave
    February 18, 2012 at 12:04 am

    Save a few line items (getting around to my tattoo, I’m indecisive with permanency) it would seem I’m a writer as well, thanks for the clarification Ali.

    Punishment by reading Twilight…lmao.


    Writing Trip

    • February 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm

      Dave, they were options! I don’t have a tattoo either, though I do want one. 🙂 thanks for reading and commenting!

  12. February 23, 2012 at 3:35 am

    Oooh, piles and piles of books, in the middle of a room, next to the bed, under the bed, in the wardrobe, tones of teas [weirdest kinds found in the stores] and chocolate for the win.

    • February 23, 2012 at 10:39 pm

      Roxana, that sounds absolutely lovely!! Chocolate is most certainly, always, a win. 🙂

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