Archive for December, 2018

In Which I’m Buddy the Elf

December 12, 2018 2 comments

The end of the year is hinting at the horizon, and it always makes me introspective. It has been, to put it mildly, an interesting year. Some good, some bad—some decidedly grey. There’s a lot to reflect on, but let’s be honest: the holidays always make me sentimental. And I’m a huge sap to start with, so that’s a whole lot of CareBear meets Elf (because hugs and omg smiling is my favorite).


I’m super proud of the writing I’ve done this year. I’m also proud of the decisions and choices I’ve made (even when they weren’t easy) and the ways I stood up for myself (again, even when it wasn’t easy). Lately, though, I find myself falling into the same trap I often do around my birthday in thinking that crazy miracles happen. Sometimes, I feel silly, having such a ridiculously hopeful personality. It’s something people don’t always get. But honestly, I’d rather hang on to that slanted thinking, pondering impossible possibilities, than not.


So, yeah, I’m a sap, dork, nerd, and general unicorn of affection. I’ve never had a small heart, and I’m glad for that, even when it’s lead me sideways. (I’ll take sideways over straight lines, any day.) I’ve been thinking about that, lately. I’ve always lead with my heart; I don’t know another way to be. Sometimes, that means I get hurt. Sometimes, it means other things. For me, a heart is a compass. You can go another direction, but you bloody well know where north is.


This year has been a mad, strange one. The turns have been unexpected, the disappointments sharp and jarring. Funny, sometimes, how looking backward with a little distance can bring a precise clarity. People aren’t always what, or who, you thought. The trick is, sometimes they’re not even who they thought they were. And my goodness, how we sometimes lie to ourselves to get through a thing.


But I digress, because this post isn’t about that. No, it’s about the unexpected joys, the unanticipated conversations, the way we sometimes turn a corner and find what we didn’t know we needed. You can call it fate, kismet, whatever. But it’s those moments, where you veer off course and reach out a hand and find something brilliant. A risk you take pays off. A text you send opens a door. Something you’ve been working toward finally comes into view.


People often eye the new year as a fresh start. And it is; it can be. But the thing of it is, every moment you’re breathing is potential. Even second you have can be the one where you change your direction, change your life. You have infinite chances as long as you’re here. And it can be overwhelming, thinking about that. We like to put things off, sometimes, until a magical moment where it will be easier or we’ll feel comfortable. But it’s just out of fear.


Don’t get me wrong: fear can be a motivator. If you’re afraid of losing something or someone, you throw everything aside to ensure that you don’t. You can after it or show up for it, because the alternative is terrifying. I think that, in itself, is a kind of magic. I’ve often made a point of telling people how I feel and how I value them, because I cannot stand the what-ifs and uncertainties.


It’s cliché, but if I die tomorrow, I want everyone I love to know I love them. I’m not shy in this respect, because I’ve lost people I loved. And you cannot get that back, that conversation you didn’t have, that thing you never said. You can’t steal a time machine and go back and tell someone you love them. I’ve doubted how people feel, and I refuse to let someone else wonder. Sometimes, this means I ramble a lot. I’m okay with being a huge dork about it. It’s not easy, but it’s honest and important.


So, I’ll challenge you to this: tell the people you care about that you care. Friends. Lovers. Crushes. Acquaintances. If you appreciate someone, tell them. Don’t let them waffle in uncertainty or wonder. Because life is bloody, insanely short. It might mean more to them than you realize to just…hear the words. Even if it’s just to say them. Even if it’s just so that you’re heard. People never get tired of hearing what you value about them, what you admire about them.


I’m book smart, but someone once told me that I was the smartest person he ever met. I still smile when I think about it. Because compliments often get buried by the bullshit we are told—or that we tell ourselves. So, shout that good stuff. Don’t worry if it seems corny or hooky or cheesy. BE CHEESY. Be sincere and open. Be recklessly loving and brave. Be the reason someone else smiles or feels good about themselves.


It has been a hell of a year. Throw some love and some light at the rest of it. You won’t regret it.

Categories: Uncategorized