The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night (morning?) and rolled over to check the time on my phone. Only, the screen was blank…and it wouldn’t turn on. I checked a different clock to learn it was 4am. And there was no reason why my phone should be dead. It was not even a year old. It had not been dropped. And it hadn’t been near any water.
After several phone calls and way too much negotiating (please don’t make me people, anymore), I will have a phone next week. But in the meantime, I feel very cut off from the world. So much so that even though I grew up without a cell phone (I remember rotary phones, record players, and a whole host of other things, darlings), I feel so disconnected. It is disconcerting.
I am probably getting texts I can’t see. And everything feels like a big question mark. Sure, I can check my voicemail remotely, but no one I know really leaves messages anymore. Texting is often the quickest, easiest way to reach me. It is a strange feeling to not be able to text or post a photo on Facebook. And I have quietly realized how much technology is a part of my life.
Since two weeks ago, all my communications has seemed plagued by difficulty. There have been so many silences, absences, and question marks. Then, my phone dies, and everything seems to fall even further into silence. I’m not unaware of the symbolism. I am also aware that I fail so hard at not being able to reach out, not being connected to people. As much as I complain about too much adulting and having to people waaaaay too often, I love connection. I love my people. I love being able to talk, even if it’s just a quick text.
While I know everything and everyone will still be there when I turn my new phone back on, I do wonder at what’s going on during this great silence. This forceful absence. I can be a curiously impatient person, sometimes. And the inability to communicate in a way that I’m used to feels supremely strange. But things are what they are, and I do think everything happens for a reason. I’m just really bad at waiting, I suppose.
So, if you need to get in touch with me, you can still leave me a voicemail. Or send a carrier pigeon. In the interim, I’ll be writing more and probably cooking more. I will not being going outside more, because holy crap, spring is drunk.
“There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of the imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don’t work.” ~Anais Nin
*title from the Hozier song below.
Yesterday, I was getting really frustrated with something. And I had one of those terrible moments where I thought, “What if this doesn’t happen? What if I can’t do anything to fix or change it? What if this is just…it?”
And then, dear readers, I slapped myself. Because no one gets ANYWHERE with that shitty, fear-laden attitude. Out loud, I said, “Fuck it, it’s going to work out.” And you know what? It will. Because I believe. Period. End of story.
But it’s hard, sometimes, to remember that – especially when you’re in the muck and the mire, overrun with questions and worry. It’s also hard to grapple with when you’re doing everything you can and trying like hell – but it feels like you’re spinning your wheels.
Never underestimate total abandon, ridiculous faith, and crazy/stupid love. Never forget that following your passion is 100% what you should with your life. Even if it hurts for a little bit. Even if you don’t know HOW it will work out. Questions will be answers. Things will happen. Life will change.
You’ve just got to be brave enough to give it all you’ve got. You must be kind enough to yourself, too. Roadblocks are going to happen. Things are going to sting. Keep moving. Keep trying. Keep your chin up. And you also need to understand something that we, too often, forget: you’re amazing. Maybe you’re having a hard time believing it. Maybe you’re having a bad day. Maybe you don’t see your worth, for whatever reason.
But trust me on this: you can do The Thing. And me? I can do The Thing, too. Sure, it might not happen, instantly. It might be a struggle. But struggles and change? They get us to where we’re going. And they throw open doors we never saw before.
If you’re feeling like you’re never going to get there? Repeat after me: Fuck it, it’s going to work out. No matter what, you can make it happen. (And, seriously, if you need a cheerleader? I’m right here.)
“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ―A.A. Milne
There’s still mud on my shoes
from the last miracle – a reminder
that things grow
in a mess, that to be real
is to be undone, drop
by drop, heart like a river
in a rainstorm: wild
Your chaos is sweet,
a whirlwind salvation, love
that comes with a laugh
and the kind of smile
that is its own secret –
this isn’t luck
but I am lucky.
There are no locks
between us, just fire
and the way
our hands fit like keys,
you look at me
how spring turns the flowers,
and this is magic,
no ceremony, only
This is a blessing,
all kisses and sacred hips,
water to wine
in a single afternoon, bodies
bent toward joy, an affirmation
that love is always a familiar skin,
and I want every inch
of everything, no holding back
and no hesitation –
I’m leaning in,
and so are you.