like rum on a fire*
The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night (morning?) and rolled over to check the time on my phone. Only, the screen was blank…and it wouldn’t turn on. I checked a different clock to learn it was 4am. And there was no reason why my phone should be dead. It was not even a year old. It had not been dropped. And it hadn’t been near any water.
After several phone calls and way too much negotiating (please don’t make me people, anymore), I will have a phone next week. But in the meantime, I feel very cut off from the world. So much so that even though I grew up without a cell phone (I remember rotary phones, record players, and a whole host of other things, darlings), I feel so disconnected. It is disconcerting.
I am probably getting texts I can’t see. And everything feels like a big question mark. Sure, I can check my voicemail remotely, but no one I know really leaves messages anymore. Texting is often the quickest, easiest way to reach me. It is a strange feeling to not be able to text or post a photo on Facebook. And I have quietly realized how much technology is a part of my life.
Since two weeks ago, all my communications has seemed plagued by difficulty. There have been so many silences, absences, and question marks. Then, my phone dies, and everything seems to fall even further into silence. I’m not unaware of the symbolism. I am also aware that I fail so hard at not being able to reach out, not being connected to people. As much as I complain about too much adulting and having to people waaaaay too often, I love connection. I love my people. I love being able to talk, even if it’s just a quick text.
While I know everything and everyone will still be there when I turn my new phone back on, I do wonder at what’s going on during this great silence. This forceful absence. I can be a curiously impatient person, sometimes. And the inability to communicate in a way that I’m used to feels supremely strange. But things are what they are, and I do think everything happens for a reason. I’m just really bad at waiting, I suppose.
So, if you need to get in touch with me, you can still leave me a voicemail. Or send a carrier pigeon. In the interim, I’ll be writing more and probably cooking more. I will not being going outside more, because holy crap, spring is drunk.
“There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of the imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don’t work.” ~Anais Nin
*title from the Hozier song below.