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all or nothing

I’ve been trying to talk myself out of feeling a certain way for a week. The truth is, I don’t wait well at all. I get worried and restless, and I pretty much loathe silence as if it is the Gentlemen from Buffy. I’m a fairly easygoing person, except when I’m not. Everyone has a breaking point, a situation that plays of her fears with terrible skill.

Mine is silence. Maybe it’s the unknown that lurks in the silence. I don’t know. But whenever I have half a picture and a heap of questions, it’s unsettling. I like to know. I like to understand. And when I don’t, it kind of makes me feel like I’m drowning. And yes, that sounds dramatic, but I’m an emotional person – and I kind of can’t turn off the caring or my heart, as much as there are times where I’d like to. I’m sensitive. It’s part of who I am.

Driving this morning, I couldn’t help but think of a quote from Marilyn Monroe, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” That, right there, is me. I’m flawed. I can occasionally fly off the handle in a fit of feelings. But I’m also pretty damn awesome – I never take without giving back, and I often give more than I get. And yeah, sometimes, I am insecure. Sometimes, it’s because there’s no solid ground in a situation, and I have no way of gaining any kind of control.

And earlier today, I caught myself delivering a strange self-pep talk. It was along the lines of, “Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t freak out.” But I am worried, and I am freaking out – so, trying to shove those feelings back into the dark doesn’t exactly work. It’s not healthy. And I think we do that an awful lot, perhaps because we’re taught to. Don’t rock the boat. Just keep on pushing through. Don’t get me wrong: it’s often easier to ignore these things. Confrontations (feelings, situations, or people) are HARD. Anyone who tells you differently is ten kinds of crazy.

It’s often not seen as cool to worry, to ask for things, or to acknowledge negative feelings. Guess what? I’m not cool. I’m never going to be cool. Sometimes, I’m an idiot. I can be cranky. I can be unruly. I ask for too more or too little. I freak out. I say too much. I have a tendency to babble. I get scared.

The truth is that I’m not good with the idea of losing – specifically, people. I’m a lifetime person. I don’t do shallow or halfway, and if I don’t like you, I don’t put in the time. But I’m really not good with the possibility of loss. Sometimes, this makes me terribly panicked for a minor reason. Sometimes, a week can feel like a lifetime. And maybe it’s only gotten worse since my mom died. Certainly, I’m more inclined to go after everything I want, hesitation and reservation be damned. But losing someone important is like an explosion you never really walk away from. There’s always a bit of shrapnel lodged somewhere. You carry it with you and not in a fun way.

I know what I deserve. I know that I may never get it. But it’s never going to be because I didn’t try or ask. That is also something my mom’s death taught me: you go after what you want, and you don’t settle. Settling is for cowards.

So, I’m not cool. I don’t play it safe. And I know what I’m worth. And maybe there’s a particular person reading this who knows exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s you.

These days, life feels like it’s all or nothing. It’s always a choice. What will you choose?

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