Home > Uncategorized > the leaves are almost changing

the leaves are almost changing

            So, my birthday is next month. October is my favorite month and not just because I happened to grace it with the illustrious day of my birth. I love the weather. I love the way the leaves start to change color. I love that way that everything seems possible in October. Once the air starts to turn crisp and cool, I’m always reminded that change is necessary and beautiful, even if it means winter is gaining a foothold. Plus, I love all things pumpkin and Halloween. This is a win.

            But my birthday is a thing on the horizon. As such, my best friend asked me what I wanted, which isn’t unusual. We always ask each other that. And I couldn’t answer her properly. In fact, I didn’t answer her at all. My initial reaction was a desire for something, not an item you can pick up at the store or order online. It was very specific and slightly impossible and not something you could wrap up in a bow.

            I didn’t tell her any of this. (Hi, Kim!)

            Since then, I’ve been giving it some thought – examining the desire, the impossible thing that, in some ways, I’ve always wanted. It’s said that you don’t get what you want if you don’t ask. And yet, it’s also true that there are some things you can’t ask for. They happen or they don’t.

            My initial reaction tells me a lot of things. The heart doesn’t change when you bury it, just like the sea doesn’t change because you’ve thrown away the compass. If you let your mind drift during the day, what does it drift to? It’s not always bills and worries, but it’s dreams and hopes. It’s the people who you love and those you miss. It’s kind of amazing the things you can learn about yourself if you just stop and pay attention.

            What do I want for my birthday? Something I can’t ask for. Something I’d give everything for. Something that may never be mine. But it won’t be my doing – it won’t be because I didn’t dare or held myself back. I may not ask for it, but if I had, it’d be like finding out the secret to a magic trick. After that, every time you see it, it would shine just a little less.

            And, to quote my friend Katelan Foisy, “It doesn’t matter how you do it, just fucking shine.”

            I plan on shining. No excuses and no illusions. Here’s to badasses and bravery. Here’s to dares and daring. Here’s to everything changing and believing the impossible.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. September 10, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    October is also my birth-month and favorite month! And I really appreciate this entry; I can relate: “The heart doesn’t change when you bury it.” That line really grabs me, seeing as I recently went through a breakup of a long relationship (the kind of breakup that is still tough even when it’s amicable because in five years you’ve hung a lot of hopes on it) and now I’m facing my next birthday and that question of *what I want.*

    I’ll have to come back in October and wish you a happy birthday. 🙂

  2. September 11, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Even though September is my favorite, October is a very close second. I too love the colored leaves so much, that every year it brings tears to my eyes. One can bury hurt, in their heart, but it always resurfaces. Resurfaces when one least expects it. Resurfaces for a time that one can not put a time to. Again the tears flow. Until such time that the tears are replaced with a smile and the knowledge of why answered. Here’s Wishing you a Happy Birthday. ahead of time. Here’s wishing you the knowledge and smile. I myself rather hate change, but without it life would be boring and utterly dull. I do however believe in the impossible, and always will. So with that said, I love your written words,
    heart felt, musical as always. Wise beyond your years. Refreshing, and yes you will always shine…. 🙂 ❤

    • September 12, 2013 at 6:51 am

      You’re right: buried hurt resurfaces, always, until it’s resolved. Most things, when buried, do that. It’s an odd thing, sometimes, to still think that ignoring something makes it better, makes it go away. Every now and then, I catch myself doing that. Honestly, I tend to hate change, too, but I tolerate when necessary — it isn’t a natural tolerance, though. I have to give it though. Thank you so much for the comment, Dawn. It means a lot that you always take the time to read my posts. I’m really glad that you love my words — and here’s to believing in the impossible. *raises coffee mug* ❤

  3. September 12, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    You go girl!

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