Home > Uncategorized > Bigger on the inside

Bigger on the inside

This morning, I was sitting here thinking about mistakes I have made. Silly little errors I’ve committed that somehow seem bigger than they ought to be – bigger on the inside, like Doctor Who’s TARDIS. Except, less fun. And there’s no bowtie.

Lately, there has been a rampant sea of miscommunication. Things that just come out wrong. Hackles that are raised. People just seem, generally, off. As if something’s in the air – which, if you believe in such things, mercury is in retrograde. And it’s just a WORLD of NO.

Sometimes, I misspeak. Sometimes, I say something that’s taken in a different way than it’s meant. These things happen. When they do, it’s important to bear in mind that one bad conversation – one bad day – doesn’t undo things. It does not unhinge a relationship. It does not overshadow everything else. Bad days happen. Bad conversations occur. That is life.

 The thing about me is that I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong. If you tell me that I’ve done something or something that bothers you, chances are that I’ll be thinking about it for days. Literally. I’ll look at it from my perspective and your perspective. I’ll see how I meant it, how it may have sounded, and why you felt the way you did. And then I’ll probably call you up to apologize or talk about it – so that we both understand where we are each coming from. That is so important: communicating. It’s not about proving a point. It’s about honesty. Because I’m okay with being wrong. Admitting it is not a flaw. It shows character. It’s easy to be right. I’m a Libra. I like balance.

 But again, today, I’ve been stuck on the stupid things I’ve said. The strange things that have been said to me. Small, careless sentences that stick inside the heart like shrapnel, bites of words that have left me feeling awkward and misunderstood – even by the people who know me best of all. I’m thinking of two things in particular, and in response, I thought: you’re supposed to be on my side. It was a juvenile thought, but it was there. You see, the truth is, there was judgement inherent in the small thing that was said to me. It wasn’t I don’t know how you do it; you’re strong; it was I don’t know how you do it; you are a moron. The other thing was a moment that is too complicated to explain. Suffice to say that it was a similar occurrence.

 You’re supposed to be on my side.

It’s important, that. Knowing that someone has your back, no matter what. No matter how ridiculous or foolish you are or seem. No matter what mistake you may or may not be making. No matter what idiotic, but well-meant thing that just came out of your mouth. Because, no matter what, if you are mine in any sense of the word – I will defend you until everything is bloody. That is a promise. Friend, family, lover, or whatever – if you are mine, if I care about you, there is always a gauntlet in my hand. Sweet or not, I’m quite capable of walking straight through fire.

 But this post isn’t meant to be about fire or battles. It’s about the things that just…come out wrong. We all do this. We all have sentences that we’d like to stuff back inside our mouths, often accompanied by hurt looks and/or misplaced anger. We all fuck up. And, well: so, what? That is a condition of humanity.

 It’s important not to give these errors more credence, more weight than they should have. It’s important to learn not to imagine a creak in an empty house is really a monster. Because off days? Bad days? They happen. And unless a person is trying to be mean, unless someone is deliberately saying hurtful thing, the likely thing is that there’s just a breakdown in communication. A misunderstanding. A thing that got lost in translation.

 It doesn’t hurt to say you’re sorry. It doesn’t hurt to admit when you’re wrong. Mistakes are not the end of the world.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” –Paulo Coelho

“Everyone tells me that I am about to make the wrong decision, but making mistakes is just a part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where it came from because I didn’t have the courage to say ‘yes’ to life?” –Paulo Coelho

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. simplyblake
    July 3, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Love this and love you, Ali! You may not recall, but you and I had a moment like you described above. I wrote something to you that, upon reflection, may not have been interpreted the way I meant it to be. When that thought struck me, I reached out and you immediately responded with understanding and grace… like always. 🙂 So many mistakes DO feel bigger on the inside. 🙂

    You’re right. We all make mistakes. It’s part of the human condition. I view mistakes as opportunities for growth; oh how we evolve for the better when we face up to them and own them.

    Thank you for sharing. XO

    • July 3, 2013 at 10:54 am

      Love you too, chica! I do remember that, and I appreciate your compliments. 🙂 and yes, mistakes are all about growth potential. Xoxo

  2. Gina Marie
    July 3, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Hope you’re having a better day today.

    I adore your writing style, and am glad I found you through Simply Blake’s blog. I, too, am a writer with a penchant for coffee. (I even write poems about it sometimes: http://iridescently.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/ode-to-caffeine/)

    • July 3, 2013 at 10:48 am

      Thank you so much! Blake is a sweetheart. Yay for a fellow coffee lover. I will check out your blog. 🙂

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