Home > Uncategorized > you — I just want you

you — I just want you

the only way up is believing in never looking down.

~Sara Bareilles, I Just Want You

I hate fighting. Hell, I hate even arguing – even when it’s a civil argument. Sometimes, it makes my hands shake. Sometimes, my words don’t come out right. Sometimes, it’s like dragging a boulder up through my throat. Fighting for what you want – for what you believe – it’s not for the faint of heart. It leaves no space for weakness. There’s no quarter for fear.

When I am certain about something, I fight. When I believe, I fight. And when I love, I love. This can be an epic disaster. I learn the taste of my own foot. (Needs salt!) I learn the depth of my own heart. (Endless.) I learn the ways in which I am brave. (Infinitely.) I have no excuses, only reasons. I have no lies, only the truth.

There’s a time – there’s always a point – where you just need to stop thinking. You need to stop weighing out life on a made-up scale. You have to live it. You have to live. Don’t get me wrong – thinking is a necessary part of life. But it is only one component. Feeling – what you feel – is important. And above all else, you have to be true to who you are and what you feel. Anything less than that isn’t living. It sure as hell isn’t fighting for what you want/need either.

But here is what I know. I’m a little left of the middle. I always honor my own heart. I don’t fall in love easily, but when I do, it’s like coming home. I am the person who will make you soup when you’re sick. I will hold a boombox up outside of your window to tell you that I love you. I will dance on a table, drink tequila shots, and laugh unless my face hurts. I am the woman who can’t fix everything – but I’ll be damned if I can’t do something to make it better. I sing all the time. I love deeply, possibly insanely, but in the truest way. I believe in risking everything to gain everything. I believe in risking, when I know that everything may explode.

I am my own person. I am not always easily understood. But I am true to myself. I am true to my own heart. I am a creature made of words, but those words are made out of feelings. I never fight dirty, but when I have to, I will go to war. Sometimes, being true to oneself means saying things you never thought you’d say out loud. Things that are honest, but not easily divulged. I’m not perfect, but I am wholly myself. Flaws and all. Wounds and all. Wishes and all.

Can you say the same?

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