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The Donkey of Usual Noises


Remember my neighbor that tried to blind me with the industrial light? If not, go here. For the record, they are actually lovely people, who say hi and act neighborly. I hug their animals. They pretend not to mind. I like them.

I have a new neighbor. I have yet to meet said neighbor, but she did not wave back when waved to – and yes, direct eye contact was made. Supposedly, this is a family with three kids, but unless said kids are chained up in a closet – I have yet to see or hear a single peep from them.

But you know what I DID hear? Their mothereffin’ DONKEY. Now, anyone who has been around a donkey will, of course, tell you they’re cute. But they make an ungodly noise, often at odd hours and sometimes in relation to SEEING a human. I don’t know if this is some kind of hello or a somewhat forceful fuck off of donkey origins. Suffice to say, it is a sound the rivals that offensive decibel of the peacock shriek. However, this donkey is not a run-of-the-mill sort. Oh no, my dear and darlings, it makes a special hideous sound.

I stumbled out of bed early this morning, before coffee and having been woken up at odd hours by The Donkey of Usual Noises, and walked my dog. Mind you, I am bleary eyed, without caffeine, and freezing. And I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard what can only be described as an ear-piercing scream, as if someone had murdered a woman straight out of Hitchcock. At Ass Crack O’Dawn o’clock, this is NOT a sound anyone wants to hear. The only indication that it wasn’t someone ACTUALLY being murdered was that the tail end turned into a bray.

Still, I am fairly certain my heart grew claws and teeth and tried to burrow its way out of my chest. The second time I heard the Murder Bray, I was equally alarmed. Because it is, by gods and garters, a terrifying noise. The kind of sound that makes one exclaim, “DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING?” as if you were face-to-face with The Pain from the Princess Bride.

Needless to say, this is less than ideal for sleeping or calm nerves. Since the New Neighbor seems about as friendly as a cactus crossed with a serial killer clown, I do not have high hopes for a grand relationship. It isn’t as if said neighbor could DO anything about the donkey’s appalling noises, anyway. Because that’s just what donkeys DO, except the sound is usually less tinged with homicide. They are, I should point out, the type of people who use a golf cart to avoid walking the short distance from the house to the barn. As a horse/farm person of a mobile nature, it’s a bit like a marathon runner taking driving out to get the mail from the box, instead of walking four yards.

My only hope, Obi Wan, is that the Donkey of Death Screams settles in and stops braying at the decibel of Dis. If this happens, I will do a small jig, hug my other neighbor’s chickens, and never speak of this again. Until then, dears and darlings, expect more wacky tales.

Good night, Westley. Good work. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

  1. Jessica
    December 26, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Okay, so upon reading this, my first thought was to show you this video:

    Because I, despite being a hybrid suburbanite/city girl, know that DONKEYS CAN ROAR. Except the reason I know that is because THAT is the sound effect they used for the fell beasts in LOTR. Hahahahahaha.

  2. December 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    For your sake, I pray that they meet Screamin’ Donkey’s feeding schedule – and that they are not so used to the shrieks that they can sleep peacefully through them while S.D. demands breakfast/lunch/dinner/attention.

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