wanted: everything

I am holding back. I am holding things in. Lately, my hands are tied. It doesn’t matter why. It just matters that is what is. I do not do well in circumstances like that. I am struggling to keep myself I check, instead of rebelling against the bindings. My first instinct is to fight, even though I am not one who picks fights without reason. However, thinking about it, I am not sure what’s right. I am not sure how to approach certain things. I am unsure of what to disclose and what to hold back. So, it makes me stupid and silent – and a thousand other awkward things that I am, generally, not.

I think it was Sylvia Plath who said that when we are wanting everything, it’s because we are so dangerously close to wanting nothing. And I don’t buy that. I don’t think the line between yes and no is that thin, that easily crossed. I’m always emphatically on one side or the other, the line made of neon and hand grenades. I cross it deliberately when the reason is there. I’m not shy about it. I’m never uncertain in my loyalties or gestures. I don’t leave things up for debate.

And yet…there are so many things I have yet to say. So many truths I am keeping in. I tend to hold things in until I cannot, then I blurt. I’m looking for an opportunity to get things out, but it’s like searching for a light switch with a blindfold on: there’s no telling when it might be found. I just don’t know what to do with these words swimming dangerously underneath my skin.

I feel caged. That is always a dangerous feeling for me. The truth is that I do what everything. I want so many things. I do not how hard I am supposed to push. I do not know the balance there. It’s moments like this where I wish my mother were here. Because I feel like she’d know. She’d at least understand. I just…don’t. You see, for a Libra, I am supposed to be a creature of balance. Except I rarely am. I am never maybe. Once I decide, there’s rarely ever any turning back.

But lately, the mantra seems to be life is weird. Any time something odd has happened in the past few weeks, and it’s been OFTEN, my BFF and I look at each other and go, “Life is weird.” Because it is. Sometimes, there’s just no explanation for someone’s behavior. Sometimes, I am floored that I’m STILL surprised by human nature. I shouldn’t be.

Recently, it is the inconsistency that baffles me the most. The certainty, wrapped in confusion, lightly coated in maybe. It’s a world of paradoxes. And yes, maybe this would be easier if my mother was here, or maybe I would still be this confused. Perhaps I am complicating my own life.

I do not want maybe. I want the exact certainty I offer. I want yes. I want assurances. I want promises. I want a thousand things. Too often I am considering the other perspective, when maybe I need to be a little selfish. Something about that always feels wrong.

I do not know. I only know that I’d like the chance to straighten out the crooked bits. I’d like to be more honest than I’ve been, because I’m all heart and no sense. Because, at my core, I’m all love and no reason. Because I would rather dive in, instead of running. I do not run away, even when it might be easier. I only run if I’m running toward something.

Perhaps the difficult reality is this: the decision is not mine to make. Perhaps I am not the one in control and flailing about helps nothing. Perhaps I should step back and let the chips fall where they may.

I am done holding back. This is precisely why I don’t play poker: I cannot keep my cards close to my chest. It doesn’t matter if they’re aces or a crappy hand. Almost always, I throw them face up on the table. And I never bluff.

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  1. Anonymous
    August 31, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    It’s the weekend; go out have a few skinny lattés & life’ll look better by Sunday night

    • August 31, 2012 at 2:06 pm

      That’d work, except I don’t believe in skinny lattes. I like my calories.

  2. Jessica
    September 7, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    The line that really resonated with me was “I do not know how hard I am supposed to push”. In so many areas of my life, I don’t know when I am supposed to accept the state of things as par for the course, and when I am supposed to rage against the state of things and not settle for “good enough”. I don’t know what constitutes “good enough”. I don’t know when I’m reaching for something that doesn’t actually exist, and I don’t know how to put myself in check when that is the case.

    • September 7, 2012 at 5:00 pm

      Jessica, here is my new rule (and I think I just realized that this is what I’ve started to do this week): push until something breaks. Either until something changes or you do. Push until SOMETHING happens. Because, I think, the truth is that we don’t get anywhere without pushing, no matter if the outcome is what we wanted or not. Rage. Rail. Rally. Because if you don’t know if something’s good enough, it’s not. When it IS, you know. Basically, no more walls. I want them all broken down. It may be a disaster, but it’s the only way that’s real. It’s the only way to make it WORTH anything. You know?

  3. October 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Hi Ali. I stumbled upon your blog while googling for articles about why some people get under our skin, and how to forgive and move on. What you’ve said in this post resonates with me, and I am sure so many others.

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