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The Queen of Eating My Own Foot

Sometimes, I cannot shut up. Sometimes, I babble. Sometimes, I say crazy things, aiming toward total honesty. I am the Queen of Eating My Own Foot. It occasionally makes me feel a little bit like I’m standing naked in the middle of midtown Manhattan. But I do it anyway, when things matter. That is when it’s most important to do something like that. Lay all the cards on the table and try. Otherwise, what you have is a lost possibility.

The trouble is, I suppose, I always put my heart where my mouth is. It’s when I stop talking, and clam up completely, that you really have to worry. But I know that my tendency to word-vomit can be kind of startling to some people. There are a certain number of people who bring out this tendency in me. For all my friendliness and openness, I don’t indiscriminately let people in. I’m absolutely always myself, but there are walls and distances.

By the time the walls come down, I’m naked again, emotionally speaking. Today, I was thinking about what that means — how some people don’t strip the walls away slowly, how with a look or a word, they just vanish. As if they were never there. That kind of thing is scary, but once the walls come down it says a lot.

I’m not a fearless person. I’m the person who clicks send and tries not to panic. I’m the person who dials the phone and has to remember to speak slowly, otherwise I sound like a breathy Minnie Mouse on speed. It’s not flattering. But back to the point: I get scared, but I do it anyway. The times I’ve held back, or kept things in, have not been positive things. Those are the only regrets I have. Because once a relationship gets past a certain point, staying silent becomes a way of life. The norm. That is how relationships die, slowly.

I’ve seen that happen to people in the past. I’ve kept my tongue, when I shouldn’t have. In moments of weakness, I’ve avoided difficult discussions. Some discussions aren’t easy — but they aren’t meant to be. Nothing worth having just falls in your lap. I believe in asking the questions, even if I have to hide in my hair. I believe in the importance of fumbling over words and trying to explain, even if the explanation falls short. I also believe it’s important to say the things that matter, if only because they warrant saying. Sometimes, we need to hear a certain phrase from someone, whether it’s it’ll be ok or I miss you or I’m on your side. Sometimes, we need to know that we’re fighting for something or that someone is fighting for us.

There are questions, right now, that you’re holding in. There are promises you are afraid to make. There are feelings bottled up inside you.

Ask those questions. Make those promises. Spill your heart out.

Regret nothing.

  1. jstayrook
    May 23, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    That whole, “Can’t shut up, babbling, speak up you’re on the phone” bit? Totally me. I completely understand where you’re coming from. Also, you know if you ever need any one, I’m here. *hugs*

    • May 24, 2012 at 8:08 am

      It’s something I call the Babble-Plague. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SHUT UP. heheh Hugs back at ya, love.

  2. May 24, 2012 at 12:17 am

    I am TOTALLY with you, sister. I would much rather speak my mind and know that I at least tried to explain myself than keep it bottled up. It’s the bottled things that start to eat you from the inside out and that’s never pleasant.

    Also, I am the Queen of Voicemail Babble. Don’t ever let me leave you a message, it goes on, and on, and on, and on…
    šŸ™‚

    • May 24, 2012 at 8:09 am

      I was leaving a voicemail message the other day, and halfway through it, my mind was screaming, “Shut up! Shut up! Stop talking! Omg!” but I couldn’t. You are my people.

  3. May 24, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Ali,

    You are a brilliant writer and an incredible person. Don’t change ā¤

    • May 24, 2012 at 8:13 am

      ANNE-MARIE!!!! *tackle hugs* ā¤

  4. May 24, 2012 at 8:56 am

    *sighs* I am Clam Master. I shut up and take it. And take it some more. And even when I swear I’m going to bust, I take even more.

    I really hate that about me.

    • May 24, 2012 at 10:38 am

      without getting too pop psychology, I think you’ve been conditioned to be that. I think that recognizing is a huge step. You can change it. It takes work and time — and fumbling — but you CAN do it.

  5. Liz
    May 24, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Genius-ly written as usual. And yes, I’m making that a legitimate adverb. I tend to clam up way more than I should in real life, even though I can’t stop spewing nonsense online. I really admire you for having the courage to speak your mind, honestly. It’s awkward and difficult and not always appreciated enough by those who are lucky enough to hear your wisdom… and I say that because I really do think you are wise. That being said though… I think you owe me an e-mail, darling…. I hope everything is ok.

    • May 24, 2012 at 10:40 am

      I totally suck at it, sometimes. Because of how it’s gone in the past with various people. You know, I speak my mind — a freakout ensues — and then I learn that it hurts. But the thing with any relationship, big or small, is that without that honesty (even awkwardly), there is NO relationship. It’s a sham. The things worth having are things worth fighting for. Even if I am, occasionally, fighting myself. šŸ˜‰ Sent you an email, btw.

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