Home > Random Musings > heavy feelings, weakness, and the songs in my heart

heavy feelings, weakness, and the songs in my heart

There are some days where you just wake up with a heavy feeling. Today, for me, is one of those days. I’ve had coffee, played with the dog, hugged all the cats — but it doesn’t chase away feeling. It’s settled around me like a storm cloud, and I know it will pass. But in the mean time? It sucks.

Life can be so complicated, sometimes. Most of the time. Very few things are as simple as we like to pretend. Very few things are as easily parsed out. I think we spend most of our lives wondering what the right choice is, and if we’re doing enough. I’m not certain that there’s a right choice — or if there’s such a thing as ‘enough.’

I went to sleep, last night, relatively calm and okay. When I woke up this morning, it was in a total panic, surrounded by so many doubts and what-ifs. Guilt, confusion, concern, and feelings of conflict. I would feel much better if all I had were clouds in my coffee cup, Joni Mitchell.

I’m not a perfect person. I don’t always do the right thing. I am, at times, weaker than I should be. And I hate those moments with a passion so fierce that it’s almost enough for me to change it.

I’ve been listening to Shake It Out (sung by the Glee cast, for something different) for days. I feel like the words, as if they were torn out of my own heart. I feel like it’s a diary page, and every other cliche you can imagine. Then there’s Drive By (Train) and Sara Bareilles’s new single Stay. Each of these are important for vastly different reasons.

The truth is, whenever I get scared — a huge part of me just wants to run. It doesn’t matter what I’m running from, or if I’m not running toward anything. Flight dangles itself like water before Tantalus. A piece of lovely fruit, ripe for the tasting. An easy solution. An easy out. Except, I never do that. I never run. It’s a perfectly shiny temptation, but it’s not a solution. I may not be strong enough for some things, but I know how to stay — even if I’m shaking.

The heart of this post is a two-headed hydra. One head is, possibly obviously, my mother’s illness. There are times it slinks to the background a little bit. Then there are other times where it’s a neon sign, crossed with something out of Coraline — with button-eyes and terrible promises.

The other head, perhaps, is myself. The parts of me that scare and baffle me. There are some things that I know with absolute, unquestionable certainty. A knowing that’s so powerful and sure that it’s almost alarming. That kind of truth and understanding? It’s a rare thing. But it’s not the certainty that needs attention. It’s the questions. It’s the unknown elements.

There are other things I should be writing about. There are other things I could write more clearly about. But when I sat down at the keyboard, this is what came out. So, I’m letting it go. So, I’m putting it out there. So, I’m being vague and strange about it.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow will be better. Things will be clearer. And they’ll be a brilliant post about Once Upon a Time. We’ll talk about true love and magic. We’ll take a break from reality, just for a little bit. Just enough time to believe in the beauty of fairy tales, again.

Categories: Random Musings
  1. May 14, 2012 at 8:42 am

    all i can say is ‘oh man sister, preach on!’ hah. This post is definitely me today!

  2. May 14, 2012 at 8:50 am

    *hugs* I read this post. Then I read it again. And again. I wanted to be able to post something witty and pithy and positive to help bolster your spirits. But the truth is, I feel the same way. When things frighten me to the extent panic sets in, I attack them head on. I research and study and plan and take it apart and put it back together again. It’s how I approach my fear and then the thing that scares me kind of loses its power and I feel – even for a little while – like I am the one back in control.

    There are some fears, like fear of losing a job, on which this strategy works like a charm. Other fears, like my mother’s illness, not so much.

    If there is one thing I can pull out of this post, it’s what you said about knowing some things with certainty. I NEVER feel that way. Like a George RR Martin character (You know nothing, Jon Snow!) — I KNOW NOTHING. Every time I think I know something with certainty, someone can poke enough holes in my logic to turn me completely around. Can you hold on to that? Can that be something of which you can be proud, something to help you stay strong when you need it?

    • May 15, 2012 at 9:01 am

      Hugs back at you, Patty! I know exactly what you mean, about information being a form of control. Figuring out things, like that, helps sometimes. As for knowing some things with certainty, yes — I can hold on to that. ❀ Thanks, chica.

  3. May 14, 2012 at 8:53 am

    “The world is not divided into the strong who care and the weak who are cared for. We must each in turn care and be cared for, not just because it is good for us, but because it is the way things are.” – Sheila Cassidy

    Thanks for sharing, Ali. Sending you a big, steadying hug. xo

    • May 15, 2012 at 9:01 am

      Lovely quote, Blake! Hugs back at you!!! xoxo

  4. May 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

    I agree with the comments above and would add my take on John Kabat-Zin: Invite the fear and worry to sit down at the table with you. Get to know each other. Hear their sides of the story (but keep in mind that they tend to exaggerate.) When you’re done, send them on their way.

    • May 15, 2012 at 9:01 am

      Oh, I like that quote! Thanks, Jim!!

  5. May 14, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Your courage never fails to amaze me. You are a fighter, and I think you must’ve gotten that from your mom. ❀

    • May 15, 2012 at 9:02 am

      Adrienne, you are one of the sweetest people alive. ❀ back at ya!!!!

  6. May 14, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    aww ❀ i feel your struggles!

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