How to Tell if Your Friend is CRAZY*

In relationships, sometimes we miss the subtle cues, the clues that things aren’t particularly on the up and up.  We give someone the benefit of the doubt.  We try when our instincts are screaming, “Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!”  In short, sometimes we are not as observant as we need to be.  And if we are, we have a tendency to push away the unpleasant observations. 

This isn’t wise.  I know that.  You know that.  And yet, it occasionally happens.  And then you find yourself in a friendship that is one step away from Single White Female and a boiled bunny.  Bad.  Very bad. 

So, I’ve complied a list of things that might help you spot a Crazy Friend.  I’m not talking about the average kind of crazy.  No, I’m referring to the March Hare dipped in LSD variety.  Hopefully, you can put together an extraction plan and back away from said relationship slowly.  In other words, SAVE YOURSELF.  Unless you happen to like rabbit. 

  1. Does your friend ever utter the following phrases: Well, I thought it would be just like the movies (no one above the age of 12 should ever say/believe that), I don’t like to be ignored [your name here] (this requires a certain sinister tone to be considered scary; learn to recognize it), I think my neighbor’s out to get me (sing it with me now: paranoia, paranoia…). 
  2. Does your friend respond to reasonable requests in a strange manner?  For instance, let’s say that you ask your friend to borrow a cup of sugar.  If she gives you the sugar happily, you’re alright.  If she wants you to bake HER a cake with that sugar, something in rotten in Denmark. 
  3. Does he/she alternately compliment and criticize you?  “I really feel like you’re a good listener, but the fact that you didn’t want to hear about my toe nails really gives me pause.”  No rational person, or good friend, would try to “guilt” you in this manner.  Also, unless that toe nail is hilarious in some unexpected way, monumentally important to his/her well-being, or it keeps growing after he/she cuts it (in which case, RUN! She’s a demon from another dimension.  And yeah, you have Buffy to thank for that really bad joke), it’s not a must-have conversation.
  4. Does he/she find fault in EVERYONE else he/she knows?  I’m not talking about complaining about the in-law who shows up unannounced.  If said friend criticizes the mail person, the babysitter, the lady who only feeds her kid organic food, an entire gaggle of relatives including immediate family, old friends who somehow managed not to measure up to unexplained expectations, and the populations of three different online communities–check the Cuckoo clock, because I’m pretty sure this one’s keeping time with the Crazy.
  5. Lastly, if your friend calls you/texts you/emails you more than twice in one day, when there isn’t a crisis/emergency/funny story/pertinent story/timely need to exchange information/important question–this is cause for fear.  Lots of fear.  Not only is said person demanding, he/she has no respect for your life or personal space.  And he/she is one step away from painting the roses red, because all work and no plays makes Jack a dull boy, especially if Jack lives in the Twilight Zone, somewhere in between Whatever Happened to Baby Jane and We all float down here

It can be difficult to tell when someone’s just made of crazy.  Some people hide it very well.  These people are often serial killers or serial annoyers.  Unless your dog has suddenly gone missing, the Offender’s probably the latter.  Just remember that sane people don’t expect you to leap out of bed at three in the morning to discuss such important issues as the vanity plate on the in-laws car.  And if he/she thinks that his/her time is more important than yours–RUN.  You’ve encountered a raging narcissist.

This PSA has been brought to you by coffee, irritation, and the moment where Enough is Enough.  I do not envy the headache you will have upon waking.  But until then, rest well, and dream of large women.


*This is a repost from an old blog. Basically, it’s new to you.

  1. March 15, 2012 at 9:21 am

    March Hare dipped in LSD? Bwahahahahaha! What an image. I think the Mad Hatter dipped in LSD would be a tad bit crazier, though. As for dreaming of large women, that’s scary. I don’t think I want the 50-foot woman in my night terrors. Of course, we all have a certain amount of crazy and we need it so we can tell when we’re sane. I better run now before the butterflies get me.

    Great article Ally.

    • March 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

      I was going off the phrase ‘crazy as a march hare.’ *grin* Also, there’s a good crazy and a bad, definitely. Oh, btw, Julio, my name isn’t Ally. It’s Ali. One L, no y. 🙂

  2. Jess
    March 15, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Ally you are too damn funny and I miss you! Crazy friends are a pain in the ass but they do make for some great stories.

    • March 15, 2012 at 9:58 am

      JESS! I miss you, too. Time for an email update? I think so. *grin* And yes, the crazy friends do make for good tales, as long as no bunnies are actually boiled.

  3. April 1, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    Omg… can I just say thank you??? I just realized that one of my friends is crazy and I need to run in the opposite direction! Thank you ❤

  4. steven
    May 30, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Jean Valjean is 24601!

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