Home > Humor > Rouge Fruit and a Face Mask

Rouge Fruit and a Face Mask

The other day, I was assaulted by a banana. No, really. I opened my fridge to get half-and-half, and a banana promptly fell on my head. At that point, I surmised I have officially become a cartoon character, and I need to find my way back to Cool World. (If only to meet Gabriel Byrne and Brad Pitt – the latter, only if he shaved and no longer has Mountain Man face/hair. Because…no.)

So, by this logic (term used loosely), I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way. (What? It worked for Jessica Rabbit.) Does this mean I get a sparkly dress? Because that would be fun. No? Damn it.

I bet you thought the fun ended with the Attack Banana. It doesn’t.

This morning, I morphed into a sitcom. Don’t believe me? I put on a facemask. It is the color of calamine lotion, which is to say PINK. While I waited to wash it off, I figured I’d do some chores. I straightened up the bathroom. I folded some laundry. Then I wrote RETURN TO SENDER on a package that contained the wrong item (was I the only one who didn’t know you could still do that?), and walked out to the mailbox.

…WITH THE FACE MASK ON. Halfway to the mailbox, I realized that I was still wearing something the color of an old lady’s foam hair rollers. I figured I’d already made it halfway there, without dying of SHAME, so I’d just suck it up. I did, however, stop to strategically tie a shoelace that did not need tying, just as someone drove by. One of the benefits of having long hair (aside from looking like Cousin It or Helena Bonham Carter, occasionally) is that it makes it fairly easy to hide. Moving on…

This week, I did three things I’ve never done before: 1) been accosted by rouge fruit, 2) walked outside looking like someone’s crazy aunt, and 3) done something I’ve only ever seen in the movies or heard about in an Elvis song.

I’ve heard it’s good to try new things. I just hope next week I don’t slip on the damn banana, instead.

Categories: Humor
  1. November 19, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    hahhahaha, i really like this!

  2. Jessica
    November 19, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    I actually was unaware of the “return to sender” option… fun times.

  3. November 22, 2011 at 8:42 am


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