The Grammar Fairy

It’s not a secret that I love words. I love grammar, too. I am a huge fan of the Oxford comma, and I can recite several monologues from Shakespeare – as well as a few sonnets. In short, I am a geek, though I am not the kind that eats glass or live chickens. Because ouch and ew, respectively.

Here and there, I do some editing work, which always exposes me to some hilarious (read: terrifying) examples of near-English writing and word usage. I suspect, someday, I will be discovered in corner yelling, “NO COMMA SPLICES!!!” like Joan Crawford yelling, “NO WIRE HANGERS!” It will not be pretty, but I am resigned to my fate.

But you know who isn’t? The Grammar Fairy. She is approximately three apples high (aka Smurf Height), with pale skin and sparkly green wings. However, you should not be lulled into thinking she is a benevolent, despite her resemblance to Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell she is not.

The Grammar Fairy has a temper. I think the job is getting to her, sometimes. I’ve seen her sharpening her teeth on more than one occasion. You see, if you rack up a certain number of heinous grammatical errors, she will visit you at night.

She is unforgiving. She will GNAW on your SOUL. Or, failing that, kick you in the shins. Repeatedly. Unless of course you use “whatevs” or “gots” in your everyday speech. For that, she will just haul off and bite you.

Unfortunately, the Grammar Fairy cannot be everywhere at once. Some repeat offenders have yet to meet her wrath. But she’s hiring a few good fairy underlings, and I suspect they will be out en masse VERY SOON. If you want to avoid the Wrath of the Grammar Fairy (cue music), here are a few helpful tips:

1. ‘Thats’ is not a word. It is not even the bastard cousin of a word. It is supposed to be a contraction, and you cannot pluralize it. For this offense, the Grammar Fairy will pull out a small snatch of hair.
2. Than and then are TWO different words. Sure, they’re homophones, but that doesn’t mean that their usage is the same. Use than for comparisons (cappuccino is better than regular coffee.). Use then in instances of time. Such as a point in time (I’ll see you then), something that happens next (I’ll make this call, then we’ll have coffee), in addition to (there’s reason, and then there’s accountability), or when something is case specific (If you want coffee, then you will have to make it). For this crime, the Grammar Fairy will bite you, perhaps in the kneecap.
3. Your and you’re are not the same thing. Your is a possession pronoun that signifies ownership. (Example: This is your dance space.) You’re is a contraction for you are. (Example: You’re smart.) For this grave error, the Grammar Fairy will bludgeon you with a pocket dictionary.
4. It’s and its are not interchangeable. Like your vs. you’re, its is a possession pronoun (the morning has lost its chill); it’s is a contraction for IT IS or IT HAS (it’s come to my attention that Alexander Skargard is single. CALL ME.). You cannot say, “Its common sense.” I’m pretty that only works if there’s a killer clown named Pennywise involved. For this egregious mistake, the Grammar Fairy will cut a bitch. Seriously. She has a small pocket knife. *cue music from West Side Story*
5. Lastly, I hate to shatter worlds (not really), but the following are not correctly rendered words:
   1. Alot. You mean a lot. TWO words.
   2. Unbeknowingly. Unbeknownst is PROBABLY the word you’re looking for.
   3. Work shop. You mean workshop. One word. ONE.
   4. Anyways. Why is there an S on the end of that?!!? WHY???????????? *breaks down into sobs*
   5. Wherease. What is that even supposed to mean? You mean ‘whereas,’ I think. I HOPE.

For the above crimes, the Grammar Fairy will coldcock you with an Oxford Dictionary. (Yes, the ENTIRE set.) Repeatedly.

So, folks, if you’d like to avoid the Grammar Fairy’s ire, pay attention to what you say/write. Otherwise, you are in for a WORLD of PAIN.

Savvy?