Attack Crickets

I am not an easily alarmed or grossed out woman. As I kid, I was the first person to begin dissections during biology. I thought it was endlessly fascinating, never mind the unholy smell. I’ve been in charge of the tail of a wounded horse, and that involved yards of vet wrap and maggot removal. It was not pretty, and it was not something I relished doing. But it needed to be done. That’s me: I do what needs doing.

But here’s the thing: I hate crickets. I hate that they hop so much. I hate that stupid chirping noise they make. I hate the fact that they are EVERYWHERE this year. It is a cricket-plague, and I do not approve. Yesterday, I encountered what must be a mutant strain of cricket. It didn’t look like your average cricket. It was three times its normal size and semi-spider like. It also seemed to have developed some sort of chameleon camouflage, because I didn’t SEE the bloody thing until I was nearly upon it.

And you know what happened then? The freakin’ thing sent out a distress signal of some sort, and a small horde of evil, Bond villain-like crickets POURED out from nowhere. There I was, attempting to feed the horse, and I was besieged. BESIEGED. They might as well have had pitchforks and torches – and been shouting RUTABAGA! (Fun fact: often times, in silent movies with mobs, they were all screaming rutabaga, because of the way it carried onto the screen.)

So, there is a small possibility that I shrieked like the girl that I am, because one leapt off of a shelf and I SWEAR it was cackling with glee. Of course, I did what any normal person would do: grabbed a broom and started chasing the little buggers around, yelling at them.

…it wasn’t until they were gone that I wondered if the neighbors were home, and perhaps out in their yard. And perhaps laughing at me. I did not stick around to find out. It was cold, and cricket humiliation does not keep a person warm.

I headed inside, and then down in the basement, to do the laundry. That sounds simple, right? Innocuous. An easy chore. WRONG.

I marched down the stairs without incident. I only made it halfway to the washing machine before the chirping assault. Next thing I knew, a small velociraptor-like horde of hunting, mad, possibly frothing crickets surrounded me. There I was, clutching towels, unable to defend myself. I had no free hand. I was broom-less. Although it wasn’t a perfect weapon, it WAS a weapon.

So, I did the only thing I could: yelled nonsense at the damn critters and threw the laundry bag on the floor as loud as I could.

You know what happened then, right? IT MADE THEM ANGRY. There was an increase in the height and frequency of the hopping. They called for reinforcements, and none of my stomping and shrieking did anything but whip them into a homicidal, flesh-eating frenzy. It took me longer than it should’ve to dodge past the evil bastards and put up the laundry.

Which, of course, means one thing and one thing only. This is totally a valid reason to never do laundry again. *wink*

(No crickets were harmed in the making of this traumatic experience. Only my dignity and pride were slightly bruised.)

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  1. October 4, 2011 at 9:34 am

    You have the makings of a thriller here… perhaps even a movie! I can see it now. You take the first few steps down to the basement. Suddenly… . Your eyes show fear. *chirp* *chirp*. Sweat breaks on your brow. *chirp* *chirp* *chirp* *chirp* *chirp* *chirp*… You scream and scramble back up the steps as the chirping horde assemble… 🙂

    • October 7, 2011 at 8:45 am

      Colin, that could SO work. They are so creepy, damn it! *grin* Thank you for the amusing comment. I appreciate it. 🙂

  2. October 4, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Ooops… the comment omitted something. That should read:

    You take the first few steps down to the basement. Suddenly… (cue Jaws music, but replaced with *chirp* *chirp*). Suddenly… etc.

  3. Anonymous
    October 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Hahaha! This was very funny. I actually am quite fond of crickets. It kind of bothers my boyfriend, because he hates all bugs, but I’m rather fond of many of them – beetles especially – and I like crickets too. He looked at me like I had three heads when I told him I liked to pet bumblebees because they’re fuzzy and cute.

    HOWEVER, I was NOT so fond of the fruit flies that decided it was too cold outside and that my apartment was a good place to live. I trapped what seemed like dozens of them in a homemade trap (fruit juice in a covered cup with a straw… apparently they’re too stupid to go back up the straw) but there were always more. So last night, I strapped my dad’s car vacuum cleaner to my back (okay, I slung it over my shoudler – not as cool of a mental image) and stood on a chair in my kitchen and I vacuumed every last one of them. I actually felt quite cool when I snagged a few of them out of the the air. And now my apartment is pest-free! Hurrah!

    Next time the crickets attack, invite me over! I like them – I’ll catch them and throw them outside for you! Haha.

    But god forbid I ever find a roach… that is what turns me into a squealing little girl calling for my boyfriend to come take care of it.

    • Jessica
      October 6, 2011 at 4:31 pm

      Yea, this was me… I comment you from half a dozen different computers and not all of them have my name remembered.

      • October 7, 2011 at 8:48 am

        Whenever it’s anonymous, I always assume it’s you. So, no worries about that. Also, I’m going to try your fruit fly trap; for some reason, they sprung up out of nowhere the other day. It is bizarre. I am choosing to overlook your misplaced bumble bee allegiance, because they STING. (I really want to make an Eddie Izzard joke right now.) *grin* Thanks for commenting, Jessica! 🙂

  4. October 5, 2011 at 1:29 am

    I’ve always been told not to kill crickets, that they are “nice bugs,” and that when they are found in the house, to let them out and contribute to the evening symphony. But when they are in your house, and chirp, it can be quite annoying. If you really hate them, there is always adopting a small pet reptile or amphibian. Although doing that may leave you in a situation where you need to get fresh crickets from the pet store all year long.

    On the other hand, I’ll take crickets any day over wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets! And anything is a good excuse not to have to do laundry.

    • October 7, 2011 at 8:49 am

      They are nice bugs, so to speak, but the HOPPING. Oh, the hopping. I cannot deal with things that are leaping at me. It’s uncool. *grin* Also, anything that stings? Totally uncool, including jellyfish. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it!

  5. October 15, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Loved this story… it was so clear I felt I was there! O crickets of Jiminy beware!! 😉

    • October 16, 2011 at 8:09 am

      Thank you, Ana! I’m glad that you enjoyed this. I think these crazy crickets are besmirching Jiminy’s good name! *Grin*

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