Home > Don't make me hurt you, only slightly ranty > On Behalf of All Jersey Girls*

On Behalf of All Jersey Girls*

Because of a certain horrific show about the Jersey shore (yes, we say ‘shore’ not ‘beach’), there seems to be some confusion over what it means to be a Jersey Girl. On behalf of all the non-trashy, non-Oompa Loompa tanned chicas, let me clarify a few things.

  •  No one I know wears, owns, or would let her friends wear a Bump-it.
  •  No one fist-pumps.
  •  Every Jersey Girl knows how to navigate a traffic circle, which no one ever calls a roundabout.
  •  Jersey Girls are actually from NJ.
  •  Some Jersey Girls are Italian-American (like moi). However, if you ever call me a Guido, I will hit you. But I will not be dumb enough to do it in a bar and get arrested for ratings.
  •  If a guy uses more hair gel than I do, I will not date him. Unless your name is Gaston or Ken (of Ken and Barbie fame), that’s unacceptable.
  •  We don’t all dress like hooker extras from Pretty Woman. And our clothing isn’t three sizes too small.
  •  No self-respecting Jersey Girl wears her baseball cap sideways, unless it is Halloween.
  •  If you dress like Bret Michaels, no one will date you. Unless you ARE Bret Michaels. Because he is still kind of awesome – barring the fact that he let Miley butcher his song. *shudders*
  •  Pursing your lips isn’t sexy, unless you are Angelina Jolie. If your lips are super-thin, it just makes you look like you ate something really sour. In short, you’re a tool.
  •  Elvira shouldn’t be an inspiration for a hairstyle.
  •  Trashy isn’t trendy.
  •  No one nicknames herself.
  •  At various points in her life, a Jersey Girl has done the following: fished, crabbed, picked blueberries, gotten lost on the way to Atlantic City, known someone who stalked Bon Jovi, and recognized every single landmark in the opening of The Sopranos.
  •  Diner food is awesome. You can get pancakes at three in the morning and have a milkshake with breakfast.
  •  A Jersey Girl knows how to fish – and I don’t mean for men. She might not like baiting a hook, but she knows how to do it.
  •  A Jersey Girl knows that Seaside is where your old, trashy high school friends go. She avoids it at all costs.
  •  If her friend was nicknamed something ridiculous (like JWookie or Sham-Wow), a Jersey Girl wouldn’t actually call her friend by that name. She would mock her mercilessly pretty much forever.
  •  Applying makeup like a crazed raccoon doesn’t fly. Unless you plan on eating out of the garbage can, NO. A world of no.
  • Speaking of garbage cans, a Jersey girl would never pass out in one of them. In fact, unless your name is Oscar the Grouch, it’s acceptable.
  • A Jersey girl knows that no one will ever offer to PAY you NOT to wear their clothing.

Jersey Girls are often tough and sweet (probably because we’ve been digging ourselves out of the SNOW for years). We know where to get the best Philly Cheesesteak (not actually in Philly) and the importance of the local fairs (jewelry! Funnel cake! Stupid games that are rigged!). And, when all else fails, there are always the tales about the Jersey Devil. And no, I don’t mean the hockey team.

So, if you really want to be a Jersey Girl, put down the bronzer. Stop guzzling beer for breakfast. And start listening to Bon Jovi. Sure, he might’ve come off like a bit of an asshat in that documentary, but he’s still OUR homegrown asshat.

*reposted from an old blog, with a few additions

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  1. Alicia Marie Phillips
    August 18, 2011 at 8:21 am

    This post just kicked me out of the jersey girl club lol — i do love it though and very true. PS i love the category names you came up with! very creative!

    • Ali
      August 19, 2011 at 8:00 am

      *grin* Thanks, Alicia!! 🙂

  2. August 18, 2011 at 8:49 am

    *stands, applauds* As a fellow Italian-American, I ❤ you for blasting a few myths on your way to a few others. I have never watched an episode of Jersey Shore for fear I may actually hit my television.

    • Ali
      August 19, 2011 at 7:56 am

      I have only watched a few clips from the first season. It made me very angry. I may have yelled at the television. *grin* Thank you so much for reading, Patty!! I’m glad that you liked this. 🙂

  3. Jess
    August 18, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Love, love, love this post. Words to live by for sure!

    • Ali
      August 19, 2011 at 7:56 am

      *grin* Thanks, Jess!!!

  4. Jessica
    August 18, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    THANK YOU.

    As an Italian-American Jersey Girl, I am so horrifically offended by the image our state has been given by a bunch of NEW YORKERS who were planted in SLEAZESIDE for the entertainment of the lowest common denominator. The extreme majority of cast members on that show are from various parts of the state of New York, often Long Island and Staten Island. (Also where that accent can be found, by the way… I don’t know a single person in New Jersey that says caw-fee, except my grandmother… who lived in New York until my mom was 7 or 8.)

    I wouldn’t mind it so much (after all, I don’t know of any reality TV that ISN’T total rubbish) if it wasn’t for the fact that I have to deal with people constantly ripping on me when I say I’m going to the Jersey shore for the weekend (“Gonna hang out with Snookie?”) or say that I grew up there (“Did you date The Situation?” Someone at my old job spread that rumor which was disgustingly widely believed)

    The most widespread Jersey stereotypes are far more descriptive of a person from Long Island or Staten Island. Snookie herself is from upstate New York. Stop blaming Jersey for the trash MTV placed there.

    • Ali
      August 19, 2011 at 7:58 am

      I nearly spit out my coffee, when I got to your pronunciation of the word. Also, what the hell — I cannot believe someone spread that rumor!!! Talk about ridiculous AND insulting! Sheesh!!! *shakes head* Thank you so much, Jessica, for reading and commenting; I really appreciate it.

  5. August 22, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Amen, sister! I’m tired of Hollywood misconstruing life in various locales. For the record, in Minnesota, we hardly ever say “You betcha.” BUT, we do have roundabouts…

  6. April 19, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    OMG it’s so funny how right on you are! LOL!

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