An Open Letter to Hollywood: Stop Screwing with My Favorite Movies
Look, I was willing to overlook a few things over the years. I’ve put up with a lot, too – like Tom Cruise going completely nutty and all of Nicholas Cage’s movies since…City of Angels. I cringed when you rebooted the Spiderman franchise. I was worried when you rebooted the Bond franchise, but ending up being pleasantly surprised. Daniel Craig makes an awesome James Bond.
Now, you’re eying up Dirty Dancing. Dirty freakin’ Dancing. One of my all-time favorite movies. I’m not only completely worried, I’m downright pissed off. Because that movie, although cheesy at times, is perfect. No one else can be Johnny Castle. Patrick Swayze was Johnny Castle. The man danced so well. He sang on the soundtrack. He wore the hell out of that leather jacket – and he made everyone realize that nobody puts Baby in the corner.
Dirty Dancing wasn’t just a dancing movie (not to be confused with a kissing book). It was a movie with heart. It was a movie that made proper use out of an Ayn Rand Novel and the asshole that carried it around. Sure, the protagonist might’ve been a little naïve, but it was the late 80s – who wasn’t a bit naïve? Granted, I was only 5 when it came out. I watched it after the fact, but it made me want to visit a resort in the Catskills. Francis aka Baby was a character every woman can relate to – from the “I carried a watermelon” moment to the awkward conversation she has with her dad, after she provides an ability for Johnny. The only questionable plot point is the fact that her sister wears beige, iridescent lipstick. I mean, really? *shakes head*
So, Hollywood. You’re breaking my heart. I’m worried about what you next victim might be. Are you going take a crack at The Godfather? What about The Princess Bride? Perhaps A League of Their Own? The Breakfast Club, maybe? Where have all your original ideas gone? It is like you can’t be bothered to write a coherent, new story.
For obvious reasons, the only person I can see attempting the role of Johnny Castle is Gilles Marini. Why? Well, he can dance his ass off. He can act. And hell, he’s very easy on the eyes.
But who will slip into the role of Baby? I don’t know. But I’m worried. I don’t want this to turn into a caricature of the iconic film. I certainly don’t want it to include the Black Eyed Peas’ WRETCHED version of Time of My Life. That version made my soul weep coffee. It was a world of no.
Stop screwing with my adolescent. It’s okay to leave things alone, sometimes. I beg you: STOP. The world doesn’t need to see a remake of every movie that was awesome. Footloose was great, when Kevin Bacon was in it. Hell, the original Nightmare on Elm Street gave us Johnny Depp. (Thank you, a million times.)
That doesn’t mean I want to see Zac Efron as Edward Scissorhands.
Are we clear? Can we stop with the madness now? Please?
A girl who loved Pretty in Pink