when the rest is silence
This is how people disappear: slowly, in small moments. There’s nothing fast or sharp about it, until it’s all too late, and the world’s tumbling sideways.
An absent nickname. No hello hug or kiss. And a smile that seems less than it should be. These are all signs.
It is the beginning of goodbye. It’s that easy, and that hard, to spot. To single out. To admit to. Because we all want to hide, don’t we? From that Jabberwocky of Change. That howling beast of disappointment. The stupid nagging shadow-monster that whispers of regret, pain, and failure. Most of all, it speaks in riddles of death.
But that moment that causes the tide to turn? It’s when you are too afraid to say how you feel or what you feel. It’s when you worry about what speaking up will do, about what that will mean.
That is a how a relationship dies, slowly, with each choice. When you can no longer be who you are, because it is not welcome. When your opinion no longer matters. When you are constantly brushed aside by a hundred different excuses. Absences rationalized away in favor of something, or someone, else.
Small moments. Small choices. Lies, instead of truth. Omission, instead of honesty. Selfishness, instead of kindness. Apathy, instead of love.
Suddenly, you are gasping in a corner. The last bit of stale heart stuck in your teeth. You realize, then, that it’s your own. You’ve cannibalized who you are for the sake of someone else. And it has to end. But it’s going to hurt. These things always do.
This is how people disappear. Or haven’t you noticed?
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alwayscoffee 
Boy, have I been there.
Thanks for reading, Lucy — and for getting this. 🙂
You’ve absolutely nailed it. When you start filtering what you say to The Person, because 1) you know you will not receive what you want from them, 2) you’ll start a “thing” over what you meant by that, or 3) you never know WHAT to expect, it’s just the beginning of the end. In my own defense, I don’t like conflict, so it becomes easier to get along with people at the cost of me. On the other hand, when did the relationship get so hard?
Good post.
Thank you, Gayle! I don’t like conflict either, but I’ve gotten slightly more used to it over the years. And you’re right, too, when you stop and think, “When did this get SO hard?” something is amiss.
Thanks for reading!
omg this is exactly how i felt last night and you put into words what i could not. wow. :O i really enjoy reading your posts. love your writing. so raw. so real.
I’m really glad that this was helpful to you. And that you like my writing. Thank you!!! 🙂