Home > Random Musings > Facebook Friend-ing Tactics that Will Not Work on Me

Facebook Friend-ing Tactics that Will Not Work on Me


(Or, You Catch More Ali with Coffee than Grammatically Ridiculous Nonsense.)

Lately, I’ve received a slew of misbegotten Facebook invites from people I don’t know. Blame it on Mercury in retrograde (if it’s not, let’s pretend it is). Blame it on people being very random. Blame it on the alcohol.

I don’t care.

Now, look, my momma taught me to be wary of strangers. I won’t help some shady looking dude find his lost puppy. I won’t get in someone’s car that I don’t know. (Unless your name is Gerard Butler, Alexander Skarsgard, Johnny Depp, or Hugh Jackman. Gentlemen, I am available!)

I tend not to accept random invites on Facebook, because it creeps me out. If we don’t know each other from anywhere, I’ll probably consider your invite. But there are a few ways to approach me that just won’t work. Hint: one of them involved a dirt pit, a skin suit, and a basket with lotion. Mmkay?

The following are REAL examples of messages I’ve recently received, accompanying a FB friend invite. Also, the commentary in italics is my own.

1)      Hi Ali, how are you? I’d like to add u as a friend. Best regards. Hi, Dude I wouldn’t know from Adam. So kind of you, Strange Serial Killer-faced Man, to ask me how I am. However, you’ve scored some major confusion points, buddy. You wrote out “you” so nicely, but then switched to “u.” I’m sorry, but I like a little bit of consistency (and grammatical appreciation) in my men. Thanks, but no. Fleeing for My Life, Ali

2)      you look really familiar. I think I’ve seen you at Barefoot before or something. It’d be cool to talk to you hit me up! Capitalization FAIL, man. Also, that is the internet equivalent of, ‘Hey, come here often?’ There’s no way in hell that we know each other. Want to know why? I live in an entirely different state than our mutual friend, and I have no idea what Barefoot is. I DO know that it sounds like a retreat for foot fetishist, and that’s just not my bag, baby. So, unfortunately, I won’t be ‘hitting you up,’ especially given that run-on sentence.

3)      Hi, so youre a fellow [name of mutual friend redacted] fan, huh? You caught my eye, I had to go in for a closer look. Unfortunately, theres a giant fist on your shoulder in your profile pic which leads me to believe it’s attached to an arm around your shoulder, meaning youre taken. Am I way off? Oh, wow. Okay, first – yes, I’m a friend of hers. A fan? I didn’t know she was a sports player, jazz pianist, or part of the current literati. Also, what is this word ‘youre?’ I guess it must be European slang. Anyway, Comma Splicer, I’m so pleased that I caught your eye. That was totally my intention. So sorry about that giant fist in my profile picture [it was an old picture]. That happens to be my brother’s arm, but it also happens to be NONE of your business. Side-note: what does theres mean? Threes? Theresa? Theses? *sigh* Anyway, Grammar Eating Bandit, you ARE way off. So off. If you’ll kindly excuse me, I have a fake boyfriend named Carl to invent (a well-muscled personal trainer) – and a restraining order to file. Toodles!

Now, I know that I’m not the only one to get random invites or odd messages. Care you share your latest and greatest?

  1. March 9, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Well, you certainly get more come-ons than I do. My friend requests come in two forms: 1) the “friends” who have about 150 other “friends” in common with me and I really DON’T know from Adam (Hell, I don’t know most of the 150 others), but I accept their request because I’m an author and I want them to buy my books, cheap bookslut that I am; and 2) the ones who have NO friends in common, and don’t attach any kind of personal message to say how they found me or why they want to be my friend. The second kind creeps me out. I did friend one of these people once, thinking, what’s the harm? I soon found out what the HARM was – every time I was on Facebook, the guy wanted to chat on FB’s IM-thingy. Not about anything. Just chatting. He lives in Ghana; what’s life in the US like? Gah, it felt like I was being stalked. I had to unfriend him.

    Now I find out, in 2012 the world’s axis is going to shift and the best place to be in order to survive is Ghana. Geez, and I won’t know anybody there. LOL

    • Ali
      March 10, 2011 at 1:38 pm

      The second kind you mentioned creeps me out, too. Another author friend accepted an invite like that — and all that person wanted to do, apparently, was pimp out his own writing. So not cool. As for your example, I would’ve unfriended that guy, too. Wanting to talk all the time like that? It’d get on my nerves. Of course, now I’m going to FB IM you and ask you about Ghana. *grin* Kidding…couldn’t resist.

  2. March 9, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Phew. I’m glad I made the cut then, being that I am not Gerard Butler or Johnny Depp. Good thing I changed my Facebook name from my original choice, “Creepy McCreepster, Esquire” :-p

    • Ali
      March 10, 2011 at 1:38 pm

      LOVE the added Esquire there. *grin* Of course you made the cut, my dear. 🙂

  3. March 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    And my personal favorite, ‘hi I think u r HOT!”

    • Ali
      March 15, 2011 at 7:58 am

      Oh, man. That one makes me twitchy!

  4. Jessica
    March 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    At least they include messages when they random-friend you! Most people don’t bother with me – they just send an invite.

    Also, my list of men-I-would-climb-into-an-unmarked-van-with is SOOOOO much longer than yours. 😛

    • Ali
      March 15, 2011 at 7:59 am

      I do get some without a message, which annoys me. Also, that’s so not my complete list of Hot Men and Unmarked Van. *grin* It’s a random sampling.

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