Home > Humor, Random Musings > When One of Your Friends Hates Halloween (Or, The Sneaky Friend Explosion)

When One of Your Friends Hates Halloween (Or, The Sneaky Friend Explosion)

 

What do you do with THAT friend? The one who makes it perfectly clear that she hates Halloween, munchkins, and the very idea of coffee-flavored ice cream? At which point, you begin to question WHY you’re friends with her at all. (Yes, there’s a gender-bias. Guys don’t seem to care about things like that. Mostly, they say things like, “Yay, beer! Let’s watch sports or this extreme When Animals Go Crazy and Deer Try and EAT You show.” It’s not really high-tech. Toss in a pizza, and that is the makings of a stellar Sunday afternoon. Sorry, guys. It’s true.)

Women are more difficult. Sneaky, even. One minute, your friend seems totally normal, talking about shoes, chocolate, and the health benefits of making your own taco shells. The next minute, she’s about to rip your head off, because you mentioned that Halloween isn’t a devil-worshipping holiday where people sacrifice monkeys and baby seals, while eating raw squid. (Everyone, including Garfield, knows Halloween is about CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!)

At this moment, you’ve realized your mistake too late. And your friend (or “friend,” because you’re pretty sure that if she had a machete, your head would be inconveniently separated from your body) has embarked on a rampage of crazy that makes Godzilla vs. Tokyo look like amateur hour. Her eyes are wild and either she got into the alka-seltzer, or she’s actually frothing at the mouth. CPF (Crazy Psycho Friend) proceeds to go full-on nuclear, shrieking about how Harry Potter is the end of the world, because the OWLS are trying to take over Hogwarts. Plus, do not even get her STARTED on vampires who stalk and SPARKLE! (Or, I’d point out, VAMPIRE BUNNIES. But no one watches Bunnicula, anymore.) Stifle the urge to mention that Jesus was the first zombie (Hey, I was raised Catholic, and I can still make a JOKE).

At this point, do not make any sudden movements. Do not sneeze or blink, if you can avoid it. Do not even try and speak. Like a T-Rex, CPF reacts to movement. If possible, hold your breath. Lie still and think of England. WHATEVER. Just don’t move.

Eventually, she will calm down, run out of breath, or (temporarily) lose her voice from bellowing at a nearly inhuman decibel. Do not allow yourself to be lulled into a false sense of security. She is like a hurricane, and you’ve just stepped into the eye. Brace yourself.

A rookie mistake would be to try and change the subject. Any attempt at a subject change will result in instant DEATH (not cake or death, mind you. Just death). Or, at the very least, temporary deafness – because she will resume the sermonizing about the Evils of Halloween, the occult, and the many ways in which bananas are tools of the Devil. So, in order to avoid that, you have two viable options. If you are not at your own home, excuse yourself to go use the Ladies Room – and BOLT OUT OF THE DOOR. If you are at your own home, you need to fake an emergency. At that point, it’s the only way to make her leave.

Suddenly, your cell phone vibrates – and you take The Call. Look horrified, and exclaim something like, “Oh my God – Timmy fell down the well again, Lassie?” or “Scoobie Doo, where ARE you?” or “What do you MEAN a pipe burst and there’s five feet of water in the basement?!!” (That last one actually happened.) While she’s dazed, and slightly transfixed at the horror that just occurred, make your apologies and usher her out of the house before she realizes that you are full of crap. Shut the door, and lock it.

Perhaps, at this point, you need to reevaluate your relationship. While she can (somewhat) deign to befriend someone who celebrates a holiday where people eat SNICKERS while dressed as spiders, you can’t really be friends with someone who abhors the idea of candy-solicitation. Plus, if she DOES hand out something on Halloween, it’s probably raisins. And there’s just evil.

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  1. Jessica
    November 2, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Shame about raisins… humiliated grapes, really.

    Anyway.

    I will say that I’ve definitely experienced the phenomenon you’re describing. You have a friend who you don’t know is very adamant about their beliefs on a particular subject, but you’ve gone a good way into the friendship without ever finding this out, so when you DO find out, you’re totally not prepared for the ensuing bloodbath.

    I had the same thing happen to me, because I have a friend who is actually very… I want to say religious, but that’s not really the word, because she’s not religious in the spiritual sense of “I go to church and pray all the time”, more in the sense of “I feel the need to dictate how your morals should be because mine are based on my religion and therefore better”. But I don’t know the proper word for that. ANYWAY… I never knew this about her until after we’d been friends for like, 2 years. Then all of a sudden she starts lecturing me on my immoral relationships. That one threw me for a loop. I learned to just never, ever discuss it with her, which, you’re right, makes me reevaluate why I’m even friends with her.

    I’d rather hang out with the Church of England…

    • Ali
      November 2, 2010 at 8:20 pm

      Humiliated grapes! HA. I’m so stealing that. It’s awesome.

      And no, there is no preparing for that kind of crazy revelation bloodbath. I get what you mean about that friend. I think differences are good, but that someone shoving them down your throat is just uncool. It becames an unnecessary judgement, and I dislike things like that.

      Also….do you have a FLAG?

      • Jessica
        November 3, 2010 at 10:48 am

        We don’t need a bloody, this is out bloody country you bastard!

        I think the unnecessary judgement thing is where it really becomes a problem. Like, if you think I’m an unholy harlot, fine, but what purpose does it serve to remind me every so often? We’ve already established that I clearly disagree and am unlikely to change my mind. Likewise, what will telling someone how horrible Halloween is help when someone like yourself already clearly loves it? It’s just going to be seen as a judgement and put unnecessary strain on the relationship.

      • Ali
        November 3, 2010 at 1:07 pm

        It is a judgement — and it does put a strain on things. I think it becomes (to the other person) about being right and not necessarily being kind. You’d think tolerance would come into play in that instance, but not so much.

      • Jessica
        November 3, 2010 at 12:18 pm

        Somehow the word “flag” got lost in translation. Haha

  2. November 2, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Great post! Now if I can just apply some this sage advice to handling my girlfriend… If I say there is five feet of water in the basement, she will just give me the “what are you waiting for, fix it” face, and be waiting to continue when I get back. Women have “pause buttons”.

    I go for subject change. The best one is “Did you hear Jeff was attacked by a bear?”, while saying it, text whoever you have designated the victim to groan when he gets the “check on it” call. Guys have this down. We can sense one of our own in trouble and know when the phone rings…to groan, explain how you chased the bear, retrieved your arm and duct taped back on… Of course it will be fine, hey could you put Doug on the phone?” At this point my buddy puts the phone on speaker, re-plays Monday Night Football so I can hear it, while I fake commiserate. I would warn any men reading this, not to say “I’ll go get some take-out for dinner, you look tired…” You will be dead where you stand. Stick to bears…

    • Ali
      November 2, 2010 at 7:12 pm

      Girlfriends are a totally different story. Hmmm, maybe I should do a post on that at some point. *smile* Btw, your bear story made me laugh. 🙂

  3. Andrea
    November 3, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    You forgot the BEST fake comment of all: “Chandler was in an accident! And Mike was not with him!” *Grin* In all seriousness, I think the best way to handle that situation is to run out of the house and move to Anoka.

    P.S. Your friend would be appalled to know that I worship at the feet of Harry Potter. 🙂

    • Ali
      November 4, 2010 at 7:42 am

      Anoka IS the Halloween Mecca. *grin*

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